1 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,656 Later on, Tunesmith Neil Sadaka 2 00:01:29,656 --> 00:01:31,725 will be dropping by to share his recipe 3 00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:35,862 for delicious potato latkes, a traditional Hanukkah treat. 4 00:01:35,862 --> 00:01:38,131 Cuz you know, it's not just Christmas. 5 00:01:38,131 --> 00:01:40,600 No, it's not, is it? 6 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:43,136 Oh, and there's more holiday hijinks to come. 7 00:01:43,136 --> 00:01:44,671 You know, Kristy, the holidays seem 8 00:01:44,671 --> 00:01:46,172 to bring out the best in everyone. 9 00:01:46,172 --> 00:01:49,042 Excuse me. Do you think you could move in, sir? 10 00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:51,911 Because I certainly can't, this is a solid mass here. 11 00:01:51,911 --> 00:01:53,246 Thank you. 12 00:01:53,246 --> 00:01:55,115 Thar she blows. 13 00:01:56,816 --> 00:01:59,686 Hey, Jude, Merry Christmas. 14 00:01:59,686 --> 00:02:01,855 Don't even try to pull that cheery shit with me. 15 00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:04,357 I've got an eight pound baby dancing on my bladder. 16 00:02:07,694 --> 00:02:09,029 Well, you look great. 17 00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:11,164 - You're actually glowing. - You know why? 18 00:02:11,164 --> 00:02:12,766 Because I'm hot. 19 00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:14,668 It's two degrees out and I'm hot. 20 00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:17,003 I am like a fucking toaster oven. 21 00:02:17,003 --> 00:02:19,072 And the baby isn't even due for three more weeks. 22 00:02:19,072 --> 00:02:23,543 Three weeks until the arrival of the amazing Richard Stone baby. 23 00:02:23,543 --> 00:02:25,645 That's what they're all calling it, you know that? 24 00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:29,015 The Richard Stone baby. What am I, a fleece? 25 00:02:29,015 --> 00:02:30,650 Are you allowed to drink yet? 26 00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:34,554 I'm sorry, I'm just... huge and hormonal. 27 00:02:36,256 --> 00:02:39,092 I don't suppose you'd like to take a drive to the country with me tomorrow. 28 00:02:42,262 --> 00:02:43,530 I think not. 29 00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:46,733 I'll be good, I promise. Come on. 30 00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:49,502 It'll be great to spend some time together before the baby comes. 31 00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:51,604 You know, just the two of us. 32 00:02:57,811 --> 00:03:00,180 That does sound kind of nice. What's in the country? 33 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:03,383 Oh, some Amish village is supposed to present Richard 34 00:03:03,383 --> 00:03:05,518 with this giant quilt they made for the baby. 35 00:03:09,389 --> 00:03:11,991 - And where's Richard? - He's stuck in Rome. 36 00:03:11,991 --> 00:03:14,227 Apparently his buddy, the Pope, wants him to do 37 00:03:14,227 --> 00:03:15,929 a Christmas Mass with him this year. 38 00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:18,031 You know, sort of like a-- a co-host. 39 00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:21,034 And so you thought of me. Well, I'm afraid I can't. 40 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,902 I have a lot of work to do before the holiday. 41 00:03:22,902 --> 00:03:24,771 Okay. No problem. 42 00:03:24,771 --> 00:03:26,639 - I'll just go alone. - Fine. 43 00:03:27,607 --> 00:03:29,676 Excuse me. Could we have some bread, please? 44 00:03:29,676 --> 00:03:33,413 Some of us are here to eat. Thank you. 45 00:03:33,413 --> 00:03:36,082 What do you think the woman of today needs most 46 00:03:36,082 --> 00:03:38,651 in dealing with the problems of motherhood? 47 00:03:38,651 --> 00:03:40,587 A bottle of whiskey and a psychiatrist. 48 00:03:50,497 --> 00:03:53,199 [dramatic action music plays 49 00:03:54,634 --> 00:03:56,169 Hang on. We're going to hit. 50 00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:57,904 Bullseye! 51 00:04:00,006 --> 00:04:01,207 What the hell? 52 00:04:01,207 --> 00:04:03,109 Isn't it great? 53 00:04:03,109 --> 00:04:05,945 I got it as a stocking stuffer for my nephew, Pete. 54 00:04:05,945 --> 00:04:07,747 It was either this or a little tank 55 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:10,350 that shoots plastic pellets that could take your eye out. 56 00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:13,253 But Petey's only got one eye, so I thought, "Ooh, better not." 57 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,321 What a lovely Christmas story. 58 00:04:15,321 --> 00:04:18,757 Speaking of which, I got this great idea for a Christmas book for kids. 59 00:04:18,757 --> 00:04:22,827 It's the story of the birth of Christ, only it's all told with cows. 60 00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:25,598 - Cows? - It's "udderly" mad. 61 00:04:25,598 --> 00:04:28,635 Sure. Kids love cows. It's the same story. 62 00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:30,603 Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the whole schmear. 63 00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:32,138 Only in a cow kind of way. 64 00:04:32,138 --> 00:04:34,441 Believe me, after 12 years of Catholic school, 65 00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:37,610 anything you could do to spice up the material couldn't hurt. 66 00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:39,479 - Oh, that sounds... - Moo. 67 00:04:39,479 --> 00:04:40,847 ...fascinating. 68 00:04:40,847 --> 00:04:42,415 I just have a couple of questions 69 00:04:42,415 --> 00:04:43,750 about the whole cow concept. 70 00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:45,185 Such as? 71 00:04:45,185 --> 00:04:47,587 Well, when they say, "no room for them" at the inn, 72 00:04:47,587 --> 00:04:49,489 won't it seem like maybe it's because of their cows? 73 00:04:49,489 --> 00:04:51,958 When they have to sleep in a manger, doesn't that sort of make sense? 74 00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:53,893 Considering that they're cows and the wise men, 75 00:04:53,893 --> 00:04:56,363 - how wise can a bunch of-- - Okay, okay. I hear you. 76 00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:03,103 You know, I get so few ideas. 77 00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:05,205 You can at least pretend to be interested. 78 00:05:07,707 --> 00:05:09,676 Great! 79 00:05:09,676 --> 00:05:12,245 That is just great. 80 00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:14,147 - I hope you're happy. - Shh. 81 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,615 Don't move. 82 00:05:18,918 --> 00:05:21,354 - What, what, what is it? - It's Mary. 83 00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:23,990 - Mary who? - The Virgin Mary. 84 00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:25,492 In the cracks. 85 00:05:26,926 --> 00:05:28,595 Have you seen it? Have you seen it? 86 00:05:28,595 --> 00:05:29,996 - Seen what? - It's marvelous. 87 00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,798 It's marvelous. I can't believe it. 88 00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:33,466 I sort of see a rabbit. 89 00:05:46,379 --> 00:05:47,614 You know what I heard? 90 00:05:47,614 --> 00:05:49,315 After Lyle Schwartz's party, 91 00:05:49,315 --> 00:05:51,584 Ashley Clinger and Brian Sericino did it. 92 00:05:51,584 --> 00:05:52,652 No way. 93 00:05:53,553 --> 00:05:55,855 They've only been going out for like three weeks. 94 00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:57,223 That's totally pathetic. 95 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,360 Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought. 96 00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:03,530 So, do you think you could ever see us... 97 00:06:05,331 --> 00:06:07,067 - Doing it? - No. 98 00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,735 No, it's not what I was thinking. 99 00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:11,971 But it is an interesting question, though. 100 00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:16,976 Well, actually, it was supposed to be a surprise, 101 00:06:16,976 --> 00:06:20,213 but that was going to be your Christmas present. 102 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,748 Wow. 103 00:06:21,748 --> 00:06:24,451 - Yeah. - I only got you a sweater. 104 00:06:25,952 --> 00:06:28,355 I've kind of wanted to for a long time, 105 00:06:28,355 --> 00:06:32,058 but then I thought, you know, Christmas would be more special. 106 00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:35,328 Sure, sure. We're talking this Christmas, right? 107 00:06:35,328 --> 00:06:38,598 Yeah, I was thinking maybe Christmas Eve, 108 00:06:38,598 --> 00:06:40,266 like tomorrow night? 109 00:06:40,266 --> 00:06:41,668 I'm free. 110 00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:52,746 Oh, yummy, yummy. 111 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:55,348 These potato latkes are so delicious. 112 00:06:56,316 --> 00:06:58,618 They almost make you wish that you were Jewish. 113 00:06:58,618 --> 00:07:02,088 Join us tomorrow for more holiday fun and surprises. 114 00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:04,758 - Bye-bye, everybody. - Bye-bye. We'll see you tomorrow. 115 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,726 And we're clear. 116 00:07:06,726 --> 00:07:09,896 If anybody cares, 117 00:07:09,896 --> 00:07:12,899 I have got latke grease all over my fingers. 118 00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:14,901 Come and get Kristy a towel. 119 00:07:21,474 --> 00:07:23,443 - Hello? - Hey, bud. 120 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:26,913 How would you like to go out with an incredibly attractive dental technician? 121 00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:28,748 Who you're not going out with because... 122 00:07:28,748 --> 00:07:31,251 I subsequently made a date 123 00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:33,753 with an even more attractive lingerie model. 124 00:07:33,753 --> 00:07:36,890 Trading up again, huh, Eddie? How do you sleep at night? 125 00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:38,391 Not alone. I'll tell you that. 126 00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:41,294 Come on, man. Help me out here. 127 00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,830 - Hey, it's tomorrow. - Well, see, there you go. 128 00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:46,166 - I already have a date tomorrow night. - With? 129 00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:48,535 Remember I told you about that wrong number from Texas? 130 00:07:48,535 --> 00:07:50,337 Who, the phone sex lady? 131 00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:54,174 Well, I like to think it's gone a bit beyond that, 132 00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:56,743 but yes, Marybeth is coming to New York tomorrow night. 133 00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:59,813 Okay, so you haven't actually seen this woman then, right? 134 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:02,215 And so for all, you know, she could have a hump. 135 00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:04,384 And I know mine doesn't. 136 00:08:04,384 --> 00:08:06,419 Goodbye, Eddie. 137 00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:08,555 Oh, come on, man. A hump and a lazy eye. 138 00:08:08,555 --> 00:08:11,191 A hump and a leg she drags behind. 139 00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,168 - Morning. - Morning. 140 00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,170 Listen, do you know when you're going out tonight 141 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:26,606 and where you're going and what time you'll be back? 142 00:08:26,606 --> 00:08:29,943 Seven-ish probably after dinner. And I really have no idea. Why? 143 00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:32,612 No reason, just curious about you and your life. 144 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:34,547 - Boom. - Boom. 145 00:08:34,547 --> 00:08:36,515 - You okay? - Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. 146 00:08:36,515 --> 00:08:39,251 It's just Christmas Eve day. It's a special time of year. 147 00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:42,355 - You, uh-- You sure you're okay? - Yeah. 148 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:43,990 You just poured orange juice in your cereal. 149 00:08:45,625 --> 00:08:47,594 Oh. Oh, yeah, I know. 150 00:08:47,594 --> 00:08:49,195 It's the '90s, Dad. 151 00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:51,431 All the kids eat it this way. 152 00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:57,103 It's gratifying for a man 153 00:08:57,103 --> 00:09:00,340 to see his own brains coming out in his son. 154 00:09:16,122 --> 00:09:18,591 Line up and get your presents. 155 00:09:18,591 --> 00:09:20,560 Plenty of presents for everyone. 156 00:09:22,128 --> 00:09:24,831 So I was talking to my boss, Martin Tupper, 157 00:09:24,831 --> 00:09:28,201 about this great Christmas story idea I had about cows. 158 00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:30,937 That's fascinating, Miss Pedalbee. And then what happened? 159 00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:34,708 I turned and I looked, and there she was. 160 00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:37,577 Her hair was a little shorter than I remember from Catechism, 161 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,947 - but it was Mary, no doubt about it. - There you have it. 162 00:09:40,947 --> 00:09:44,951 Not since Jesus was spotted in a Campbell's soup billboard in Pittsburgh 163 00:09:44,951 --> 00:09:47,053 have we seen such religious fervor? 164 00:09:47,053 --> 00:09:49,089 This is Susan Saladul, 165 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:51,191 live at the site of the Pedalbee Madonna. 166 00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:53,393 The Post-it thingies are five bucks. 167 00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:54,794 The pencils are 10 bucks. 168 00:09:54,794 --> 00:09:56,096 Take a pencil. 169 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:57,997 It's like owning a piece of the true cross. 170 00:09:57,997 --> 00:10:00,600 And you can write with it. 171 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:01,901 Martin Tupper's office. 172 00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:05,705 Please come to Pennsylvania with me. 173 00:10:05,705 --> 00:10:07,707 - Who is this? - It's me. 174 00:10:07,707 --> 00:10:10,744 You remember, Pennsylvania Dutch country? 175 00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:14,681 Oh, please, please. I'm just-- I'm feeling so happy today. 176 00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:18,451 I don't know. I have a date tonight. 177 00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,920 Come on. You'll be home by 6:00, 5:00. 178 00:10:22,655 --> 00:10:23,890 4:30 at the latest. 179 00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:26,493 - I don't think so. - I can see. 180 00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:30,196 Not clearly, but I can see. 181 00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:34,701 Get me out of here now to where I see anything. 182 00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:37,237 Happy Christmas. 183 00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:44,277 Hey! 184 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,249 I didn't recognize the car. 185 00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:52,218 Oh, it's a loaner. I had a little fender bender. 186 00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:55,555 Thank you so much for coming with me. 187 00:10:55,555 --> 00:10:57,624 I mean, it really-- it really means a lot. 188 00:10:57,624 --> 00:11:00,026 Oh, no. I'm happy to do it. 189 00:11:21,047 --> 00:11:23,750 Just don't tell Rudolph. 190 00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:26,753 Oh, and there's a lot more holiday hijinks to come. 191 00:11:26,753 --> 00:11:28,188 So don't go away. 192 00:11:30,757 --> 00:11:32,225 And we're clear. 193 00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:38,431 Sheryl, hey, it's Eddie. 194 00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:42,168 Listen, are we definitely on for tonight? 195 00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:45,505 Excellent. Why don't you come by the studio around 6:00? 196 00:11:45,505 --> 00:11:46,773 All right. See you then. 197 00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:56,049 Cynthia, hi, it's Eddie. 198 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:58,718 Listen, I don't think tonight's going to be good. 199 00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,688 Food poisoning. Yeah. 200 00:12:03,023 --> 00:12:04,524 Mussels marinara. 201 00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:07,660 You know, I just feel so bad about tonight. 202 00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:09,662 - Back in ten. - Uh-oh, going to be sick again. 203 00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:10,797 Got to go. Bye. 204 00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:13,333 Back, guys, back. 205 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:15,502 - You disgust me. - Like I care. 206 00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:16,736 Fuck you. 207 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,571 Welcome back, everyone. 208 00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,874 Well, Mr. Weatherman tells us it looks like 209 00:12:20,874 --> 00:12:23,677 we're going to have a white Christmas after all. 210 00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,687 I said let's just take the Pennsylvania turnpike. 211 00:12:33,687 --> 00:12:35,855 No, no, you had to save money on tolls. 212 00:12:35,855 --> 00:12:38,858 Excuse me. I'm just a little bit busy right now, okay? 213 00:12:38,858 --> 00:12:41,127 I said I'd pay the tolls, but no. 214 00:12:41,127 --> 00:12:43,897 Okay, look, why don't you stop talking and watch the road. 215 00:12:57,177 --> 00:12:59,312 Hey, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. 216 00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:00,980 Oh, look here. Damn. 217 00:13:00,980 --> 00:13:03,283 Damn, there's a sign. What did it say? 218 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:04,551 I couldn't see it. 219 00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:06,052 I was too busy watching the road. 220 00:13:06,052 --> 00:13:08,088 Just keep your hands on the wheel, will you? 221 00:13:08,088 --> 00:13:10,357 - Don't you tell me how to drive. - Excuse me. 222 00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:23,536 Stop humming. 223 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,119 I have to pee again. 224 00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,722 I warned you about getting that big gulp. 225 00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:44,124 Well, I was thirsty. 226 00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:46,126 If you have to, you can always use the souvenir cup. 227 00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:48,495 Oh, you'd really like that, wouldn't you? 228 00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:52,032 To watch you pee in a cup? Oh, more than anything. 229 00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:53,700 I mean, who cares if I miss my date, 230 00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:55,168 as long as I get to see that. 231 00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:16,222 Eddie Charles. 232 00:14:16,222 --> 00:14:19,926 Dee-Anne. Hey, when did you get back? 233 00:14:19,926 --> 00:14:21,594 Fantastic. 234 00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:24,130 Listen, I saw your movie. 235 00:14:24,130 --> 00:14:27,667 You were unbelievable. Yeah. 236 00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:30,136 So, when can I see you? 237 00:14:31,104 --> 00:14:32,505 Tonight? 238 00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:36,776 No, no, tonight is great. Say around 07:00? 239 00:14:36,776 --> 00:14:38,411 Well, all right. See you there. 240 00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:40,213 Yes. 241 00:14:42,615 --> 00:14:45,652 - Hi. - Hey, Sheryl. 242 00:14:45,652 --> 00:14:48,054 I'm sorry I'm late. The shoot ran long. 243 00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:50,256 - Oh. - So, what do you want to do? 244 00:14:50,256 --> 00:14:51,458 Um... 245 00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:55,862 What I want to do is take you out to dinner, 246 00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:59,532 but I just found out that my mother is really sick, 247 00:14:59,532 --> 00:15:01,968 and I really should go see her. 248 00:15:01,968 --> 00:15:03,803 Yeah. I'm sorry. 249 00:15:03,803 --> 00:15:06,139 Oh, God, no. I hope she feels better. 250 00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:07,540 Thanks. 251 00:15:08,842 --> 00:15:10,043 Come here. 252 00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:13,980 Oh, you are so good. 253 00:15:13,980 --> 00:15:16,282 By the way, are we still on for New Year's? 254 00:15:16,282 --> 00:15:17,384 Um. 255 00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:20,854 Why don't we wait to see how my mom's doing? 256 00:15:20,854 --> 00:15:22,789 Oh, okay, sure. 257 00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:25,825 Are you actually blaming an unborn child 258 00:15:25,825 --> 00:15:27,927 because you couldn't read a map? 259 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,529 No, no, no, no. 260 00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:31,197 I'm blaming him because we're stuck 261 00:15:31,197 --> 00:15:33,133 in this Pennsylvania Dutch nightmare in the first place. 262 00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:35,735 It is not his fault if people want to give him a quilt. 263 00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:40,407 Oh, please. 264 00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:42,342 What is the big deal about this kid anyway? 265 00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:43,910 I'm sorry. I know he's yours. 266 00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:45,979 Jesus Christ. He's just a baby. 267 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,782 Look, a sign. 268 00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:54,087 Just a coincidence. 269 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:05,398 - Hey. - Hey. 270 00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:09,336 - How's it going? - Great. 271 00:16:11,237 --> 00:16:14,207 You, uh, want a drink? 272 00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:15,375 I'd love one. 273 00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:18,745 I have Yoo-Hoo, orange juice, 274 00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:21,648 - pineapple juice and Seltzer. - Seltzer would be good. 275 00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,784 Here, this is for you. 276 00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:26,086 Thanks. 277 00:16:30,724 --> 00:16:31,925 It's really pretty. 278 00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:36,262 Is that the thank you for your present 279 00:16:36,262 --> 00:16:37,497 or the beginning of mine? 280 00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:44,904 - Hello? - Jeremy? 281 00:16:44,904 --> 00:16:46,206 This is Dad. 282 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,275 Your mother and I are stuck in Pennsylvania. 283 00:16:49,275 --> 00:16:50,610 All the highways are closed. 284 00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:51,978 We're gonna have to spend the night. 285 00:16:51,978 --> 00:16:53,580 Now, are you, are you gonna be okay? 286 00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,415 Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine. No big deal. 287 00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:57,784 We're at the Bethlehem Bedtime Inn, okay? 288 00:16:57,784 --> 00:17:00,220 - We don't have any room numbers yet. - Great. Have a nice night. 289 00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:02,522 Wait, wait, wait, wait, Jeremy. 290 00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:05,625 I'm expecting a friend of mine around eight o'clock now. 291 00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:07,961 Her name is Marybeth, and, and, and just-- 292 00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:11,998 just tell her what happened and apologize for me. 293 00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:13,199 Mm-hmm. 294 00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:14,601 Jeremy? 295 00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:18,938 I'm sorry. There is nothing I can do. 296 00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:20,940 That's ridiculous. You must have something. 297 00:17:20,940 --> 00:17:22,675 I'm telling you, ma'am, we're all booked up. 298 00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:24,176 Everyone's here for the Putz. 299 00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:25,444 What? 300 00:17:25,444 --> 00:17:26,812 The Christmas Putz. 301 00:17:28,314 --> 00:17:29,516 Who's the Christmas Putz? 302 00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:31,518 Hello, anybody home? 303 00:17:31,518 --> 00:17:35,088 The Putz isn't a "who". It's our live pageant. 304 00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:36,756 The Moravian Christmas Putz. 305 00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:38,725 You see, the city of Bethlehem 306 00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:41,161 was founded by Moravian missionaries in 1741. 307 00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:44,564 Thank you for that fascinating bit of local history, Mr. Quinn, 308 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,299 but I have a pregnant woman here. 309 00:17:46,299 --> 00:17:48,968 Well, I'm sorry. There is nothing I can do. 310 00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:51,004 There is just no room at the inn. 311 00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:53,573 Just a coincidence. 312 00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:55,141 Don't be ridiculous. 313 00:17:55,141 --> 00:17:56,643 You don't know who I am, do you? 314 00:17:56,643 --> 00:17:58,445 Come on, Judith, he's not gonna give us any money. 315 00:17:58,445 --> 00:18:00,847 You happen to be talking to Mrs. Richard Stone. 316 00:18:02,215 --> 00:18:04,751 Oh, yeah, yeah, I thought I recognized you. 317 00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:07,354 Life magazine. Oh, my God. 318 00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:11,091 Helene, isn't the woman that's carrying the Richard Stone baby? 319 00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:12,559 Smile! 320 00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:15,028 It is. Oh, Mrs. Richard Stone. 321 00:18:15,028 --> 00:18:16,396 No, may we have a room? 322 00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:17,564 No. 323 00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:20,500 Merry Christmas, Mr. Quinn. 324 00:18:26,039 --> 00:18:28,074 It's really festive. 325 00:18:28,074 --> 00:18:29,242 Yeah, I thought so. 326 00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:35,315 - We don't have to do this if you don't want to. - No, I do. 327 00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,518 - I really do. - I don't know. 328 00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:40,053 Let's... 329 00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:03,510 No vacancies. Hm? Six motels and no vacancies. 330 00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:06,680 Maybe we should try one of these side roads. 331 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:08,114 I hate this Putz. I hate it. 332 00:19:09,783 --> 00:19:11,951 - Is it on? - Yeah, it's on. 333 00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:14,654 - Are you sure it's on? - I'm positive. 334 00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:18,058 - Okay, I'm just gonna... - Okay. 335 00:19:18,925 --> 00:19:21,161 Ow! You're on my hair. 336 00:19:21,161 --> 00:19:22,962 - Sorry. - Okay. 337 00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:29,035 Oh, my God. 338 00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:32,105 Um, Jeremy? 339 00:19:32,105 --> 00:19:34,341 - What? - You're not. 340 00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:35,642 What? 341 00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:38,044 - You're not. - Yeah, I am. 342 00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:39,679 No, you're really not. 343 00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:42,315 Oh. 344 00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:49,255 - Okay, that's it. - That feels right? 345 00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:52,726 Feels right, that definitely feels right. 346 00:19:52,726 --> 00:19:54,494 Okay, here we go. 347 00:19:56,930 --> 00:19:58,098 I, uh... 348 00:19:59,566 --> 00:20:00,734 I think I already went. 349 00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:14,381 Why would the Almighty show this to me? 350 00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:16,916 I haven't been to church in years. 351 00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:19,119 It's a mind-boggler. 352 00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:21,154 Unless that's why I was chosen. 353 00:20:21,154 --> 00:20:24,824 Maybe He's calling me back to the flock. 354 00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:28,128 Maybe he wants to use me for some larger purpose. 355 00:20:28,128 --> 00:20:31,297 Like what? Like typing his letters? 356 00:20:31,297 --> 00:20:32,799 Like answering his phones? 357 00:20:33,867 --> 00:20:35,301 You know what your problem is? 358 00:20:35,301 --> 00:20:37,904 You would think that the world revolves around you. 359 00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:40,440 Just because you're cracked some glass 360 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:43,376 to the shape of the Blessed Virgin, you think that you can't stop. 361 00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:45,545 Let me tell you something. 362 00:20:45,545 --> 00:20:47,981 I am still nine months older than you. 363 00:20:47,981 --> 00:20:50,550 I know now what I must do. 364 00:20:59,993 --> 00:21:01,895 For you, Mr. Charles. 365 00:21:01,895 --> 00:21:03,329 Oh, thank you. 366 00:21:03,329 --> 00:21:05,065 Eddie Charles, hello. 367 00:21:05,065 --> 00:21:06,733 Dee-Ann, hey, where are you? 368 00:21:08,168 --> 00:21:09,602 Uh-huh. 369 00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:12,138 No, no, no, I understand. 370 00:21:12,138 --> 00:21:14,207 Uh, maybe next week then. 371 00:21:16,142 --> 00:21:17,977 Oh, well. 372 00:21:19,079 --> 00:21:20,313 Merry Christmas. 373 00:21:25,318 --> 00:21:26,519 Her mother's sick. 374 00:21:28,555 --> 00:21:29,689 Food poisoning. 375 00:21:33,860 --> 00:21:37,030 Great, great, great, great, great, just great! 376 00:21:37,030 --> 00:21:39,232 Maybe they'll find our bodies in the spring. 377 00:21:39,232 --> 00:21:41,434 What am I doing here? I shouldn't be here. 378 00:21:41,434 --> 00:21:42,902 I should be home with Marybeth. 379 00:21:44,637 --> 00:21:47,107 Richard should be stuck in the fucking snow with you. 380 00:21:47,107 --> 00:21:49,676 If Richard were here, we probably wouldn't be stuck. 381 00:21:49,676 --> 00:21:52,479 But Richard's never here, and I'm sick of being the one you call 382 00:21:52,479 --> 00:21:54,481 when he's too busy saving the fucking world. 383 00:21:54,481 --> 00:21:56,383 I'm sick of being the fucking surrogate husband. 384 00:21:56,383 --> 00:21:58,618 Oh, all right. 385 00:21:58,618 --> 00:22:00,820 All right. That's just fine with me. 386 00:22:00,820 --> 00:22:02,589 And I promise you something. 387 00:22:02,589 --> 00:22:05,191 If I ever get out of this fucking car alive, 388 00:22:05,191 --> 00:22:07,494 I promise I will never, ever ask you to do 389 00:22:07,494 --> 00:22:08,928 anything for me ever again. 390 00:22:08,928 --> 00:22:12,065 Thank you, thank you very, very much. 391 00:22:13,099 --> 00:22:14,734 Come on. 392 00:22:17,737 --> 00:22:19,305 - Martin. - What? 393 00:22:19,305 --> 00:22:21,741 I think my water just broke. 394 00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:28,648 She's going to have a baby. 395 00:22:36,556 --> 00:22:37,757 So, uh... 396 00:22:38,591 --> 00:22:40,060 have fun in Barbados. 397 00:22:40,060 --> 00:22:41,828 Thanks. 398 00:22:44,197 --> 00:22:45,598 Anyway, I should go. 399 00:22:49,502 --> 00:22:50,537 Uh, Shannon. 400 00:22:51,304 --> 00:22:52,339 Yeah? 401 00:22:53,907 --> 00:22:55,275 Enjoy the sweater. 402 00:23:02,582 --> 00:23:04,818 Why? Why do we have to get out of the car? 403 00:23:04,818 --> 00:23:06,953 I like it here. It's warm and there's maps. 404 00:23:06,953 --> 00:23:08,922 Judith. 405 00:23:08,922 --> 00:23:12,392 Jude. I'm sorry, but... 406 00:23:12,392 --> 00:23:15,028 you cannot have the baby in the car. 407 00:23:18,932 --> 00:23:20,233 It's okay, I'm fine. 408 00:23:20,233 --> 00:23:23,236 Okay, okay, that doesn't-- You see that light? 409 00:23:23,236 --> 00:23:25,171 See there, way off there. 410 00:23:25,171 --> 00:23:27,741 Now we're gonna go get help while you can still walk. 411 00:23:27,741 --> 00:23:30,210 No, but maybe they're mean farm people who don't like strangers. 412 00:23:35,515 --> 00:23:38,184 That's crazy. 413 00:23:38,184 --> 00:23:40,620 I'm sure they're very nice farm people. 414 00:23:40,620 --> 00:23:43,890 I'm sure there's a very nice farmer and his very nice wife. 415 00:23:43,890 --> 00:23:45,358 And while we wait for the ambulance, 416 00:23:45,358 --> 00:23:47,227 you can sit in a chair by the fire 417 00:23:47,227 --> 00:23:49,662 and she'll hold your hand and give you herb tea. 418 00:23:49,662 --> 00:23:52,399 So we won't have to have the baby in this fucking car. 419 00:23:53,900 --> 00:23:55,368 You wash his mouth out with soap? 420 00:24:16,690 --> 00:24:18,758 - Martin? - No, I'm Jeremy. 421 00:24:18,758 --> 00:24:21,661 Phew, I mean, he sounded young on the phone, 422 00:24:21,661 --> 00:24:22,962 but not that young. 423 00:24:22,962 --> 00:24:25,532 - I'm Marybeth, who are you? - I'm his son. 424 00:24:25,532 --> 00:24:29,436 - Oh, my God, he must be old. - Yeah, yeah, he really is. 425 00:24:29,436 --> 00:24:32,639 He said to tell you he's sorry, but he won't be able to see you tonight. 426 00:24:32,639 --> 00:24:34,341 He's stuck somewhere in Pennsylvania. 427 00:24:34,341 --> 00:24:36,176 Well, shit. 428 00:24:36,176 --> 00:24:38,311 Shitty, shit, shit. 429 00:24:38,311 --> 00:24:40,547 What's he doing in Pennsylvania? 430 00:24:40,547 --> 00:24:44,084 Get out of the car! Get out, get out of the car, get out of it! 431 00:24:44,084 --> 00:24:46,186 I don't know, sightseeing or something? 432 00:24:46,186 --> 00:24:49,155 Well, this is just tremendous. 433 00:24:49,155 --> 00:24:50,824 My very first night in New York City 434 00:24:50,824 --> 00:24:53,326 and I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do with myself. 435 00:24:53,326 --> 00:24:54,928 You got a paper? 436 00:24:54,928 --> 00:24:56,096 I guess so. 437 00:24:58,398 --> 00:25:00,433 So, Jeremy, what's a good looking kid 438 00:25:00,433 --> 00:25:02,702 like yourself doing home on Christmas Eve? 439 00:25:02,702 --> 00:25:03,970 Waiting for Santa? 440 00:25:03,970 --> 00:25:05,638 Yeah, yeah, that's it. 441 00:25:08,475 --> 00:25:09,776 Ever seen Cats? 442 00:25:09,776 --> 00:25:12,712 Yeah, kinda sucked. A lot. 443 00:25:12,712 --> 00:25:16,850 Well, already I can tell, you're just a wellspring of enthusiasm. 444 00:25:16,850 --> 00:25:20,353 - You got anything to drink? - My dad's got some scotch or something. 445 00:25:20,353 --> 00:25:22,322 You got any Yoo-hoo? 446 00:25:30,163 --> 00:25:32,665 Okay, Martin. 447 00:25:32,665 --> 00:25:34,501 Where's the nice farmer? 448 00:25:34,501 --> 00:25:37,137 Hm? Where is the nice farmer's wife? 449 00:25:38,605 --> 00:25:40,073 Where is my herbal tea? 450 00:25:40,073 --> 00:25:43,043 I'm sorry, I thought it was a house. 451 00:25:43,043 --> 00:25:45,211 Oh, and yet, I see sheep. 452 00:25:45,211 --> 00:25:47,447 It didn't-- 453 00:25:47,447 --> 00:25:48,648 Jude, Jude! 454 00:25:49,616 --> 00:25:51,584 I am not having my baby here, I'm not. 455 00:25:51,584 --> 00:25:54,854 No, no, no, no, not with that cow staring at me. 456 00:25:54,854 --> 00:25:58,058 Okay, okay, fine, let's go. 457 00:25:58,058 --> 00:26:00,460 Go, you crazy! Go where? 458 00:26:00,460 --> 00:26:02,195 What, you wanna stay here? 459 00:26:02,195 --> 00:26:04,464 Hello, I believe we have already 460 00:26:04,464 --> 00:26:05,865 discussed that opportunity. 461 00:26:05,865 --> 00:26:08,435 All right. Okay. 462 00:26:08,435 --> 00:26:10,637 Look, you-- you stay here 463 00:26:10,637 --> 00:26:12,772 and I'll go for help, okay? 464 00:26:12,772 --> 00:26:14,507 Don't leave me! 465 00:26:14,507 --> 00:26:17,010 Please, please, don't leave me. 466 00:26:17,010 --> 00:26:18,645 Stop it! 467 00:26:20,146 --> 00:26:23,583 I don't wanna have my baby in a barn. 468 00:26:30,990 --> 00:26:32,025 Another scotch. 469 00:26:34,227 --> 00:26:35,862 You wanna make this one a double. 470 00:26:35,862 --> 00:26:37,130 Save you the trip later. 471 00:26:38,264 --> 00:26:40,433 You sure you wouldn't like some dinner, Mr. Charles? 472 00:26:40,433 --> 00:26:42,268 All right, all right. Hey, hey. 473 00:26:42,268 --> 00:26:44,771 Bring me that bowl of maraschino cherries. 474 00:26:48,141 --> 00:26:49,309 Bon app 475 00:26:51,611 --> 00:26:52,679 Hey. 476 00:26:53,913 --> 00:26:55,215 Cheer up. 477 00:26:55,215 --> 00:26:57,951 'Tis the season to be jolly. 478 00:26:57,951 --> 00:27:00,120 Oh man, just leave me alone. 479 00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:02,922 Come on, come on, where's the mirth? 480 00:27:04,024 --> 00:27:05,358 Just Christmas, you know? 481 00:27:05,358 --> 00:27:06,826 Christmas sucks. 482 00:27:08,461 --> 00:27:09,496 What'd you say? 483 00:27:10,430 --> 00:27:12,866 I said Christmas sucks. 484 00:27:16,503 --> 00:27:17,570 Nobody... 485 00:27:18,738 --> 00:27:20,740 nobody talks that way 486 00:27:20,740 --> 00:27:23,009 about Christmas to Santa Claus. 487 00:27:23,009 --> 00:27:24,411 Come on, step outside. 488 00:27:24,411 --> 00:27:26,746 Hey, hey, hey, all right, man. Just chill out. 489 00:27:26,746 --> 00:27:29,215 You just had too many little kids sitting on your lap. 490 00:27:29,215 --> 00:27:30,383 Just sit down. 491 00:27:31,818 --> 00:27:33,853 Oh, you think that I'm one of those 492 00:27:33,853 --> 00:27:36,256 phony department store Santas. 493 00:27:36,256 --> 00:27:38,792 Well, I'll have you know 494 00:27:38,792 --> 00:27:41,795 that you were looking at the genuine article. 495 00:27:43,563 --> 00:27:46,299 Well, I hate to break this to you, Virginia, 496 00:27:46,299 --> 00:27:48,435 but there is no Santa Claus. 497 00:27:52,505 --> 00:27:55,642 Well, then I guess that you won't feel it 498 00:27:55,642 --> 00:27:56,976 when I do this. 499 00:28:05,385 --> 00:28:09,189 Yeah, and that's when I heard this voice in my head. 500 00:28:10,890 --> 00:28:12,625 This voice? 501 00:28:12,625 --> 00:28:13,927 Yeah. 502 00:28:13,927 --> 00:28:17,130 Yeah, it was a very calm, sincere voice. 503 00:28:17,130 --> 00:28:20,467 Kind of like Harry Smith on the CBS morning news. 504 00:28:20,467 --> 00:28:22,469 And what did this voice tell you? 505 00:28:22,469 --> 00:28:23,970 The voice said... 506 00:28:25,038 --> 00:28:28,708 "Toby, it's time to have a new life. 507 00:28:28,708 --> 00:28:31,945 "Take a new road. Become a nun." 508 00:28:34,681 --> 00:28:36,950 - You're not Santa Claus, - How the hell do you know? 509 00:28:36,950 --> 00:28:38,785 First of all, you're Black. 510 00:28:38,785 --> 00:28:41,688 What fucked up racist ghost of the Christmas that you grew up with? 511 00:28:41,688 --> 00:28:44,124 Aha, Santa would have never said "fucked." 512 00:28:44,124 --> 00:28:47,027 Yo, Mr. Charles, Mr. Kringle. 513 00:28:47,027 --> 00:28:49,129 You guys knock it off or I'm calling the cops. 514 00:28:49,129 --> 00:28:50,597 I don't care if it is Christmas. 515 00:28:52,298 --> 00:28:54,367 I don't know if you know any of the sisters 516 00:28:54,367 --> 00:28:56,503 over at St. Margaret's, but I wanna tell you, 517 00:28:56,503 --> 00:28:58,571 this was a tough bunch of nuns. 518 00:28:58,571 --> 00:29:00,340 I mean, these were definitely 519 00:29:00,340 --> 00:29:02,942 not your Dominique-nique kind of nuns. 520 00:29:02,942 --> 00:29:04,344 If that's the way you feel, 521 00:29:04,344 --> 00:29:05,945 why do you want to become one yourself? 522 00:29:05,945 --> 00:29:07,480 Oh, don't get me wrong. 523 00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:08,848 I love some nuns. 524 00:29:08,848 --> 00:29:11,051 Like Maria, 525 00:29:11,051 --> 00:29:12,919 and how to solve a problem like Maria. 526 00:29:12,919 --> 00:29:16,089 Or Sister Betru, I loved her. 527 00:29:16,089 --> 00:29:19,025 Miss Pedalbee, the decision to devote oneself 528 00:29:19,025 --> 00:29:21,394 to Christ's work is a terribly serious one. 529 00:29:21,394 --> 00:29:23,763 Ideally, it should be based on something more 530 00:29:23,763 --> 00:29:26,066 than the hope of someday being able to fly. 531 00:29:27,133 --> 00:29:29,169 I'm sorry, I'm afraid we have no place for you here. 532 00:29:29,169 --> 00:29:31,504 Oh no, please, you gotta let me. 533 00:29:31,504 --> 00:29:35,542 Look, I know I'm not your regular nun type kind of person, 534 00:29:35,542 --> 00:29:39,112 but believe me, Sister, this is what God wants for me. 535 00:29:39,112 --> 00:29:41,314 Sister, you don't wanna start up with God. 536 00:29:42,682 --> 00:29:45,051 Did I mention that I happen to be intermittently psychic? 537 00:29:46,019 --> 00:29:49,055 For instance, I know why you're all twisted up inside yourself tonight. 538 00:29:49,956 --> 00:29:50,990 - You do? - Mm-hmm. 539 00:29:50,990 --> 00:29:53,326 It's about S-E-X, right? 540 00:29:55,028 --> 00:29:56,196 Maybe. 541 00:29:56,196 --> 00:29:57,931 You think you might be gay, right? 542 00:29:57,931 --> 00:30:01,267 No, no. If anything it's the opposite. 543 00:30:01,267 --> 00:30:03,203 Uh-huh. I'm sure in time 544 00:30:03,203 --> 00:30:05,405 we'll understand exactly what that might mean. 545 00:30:05,405 --> 00:30:07,173 No, no, no, forget it, all right? 546 00:30:07,173 --> 00:30:09,476 Why don't you go see Cats. They sing memories. You'll like it. 547 00:30:11,177 --> 00:30:13,947 Shimmy Hawk, the little town that I'm from, 548 00:30:13,947 --> 00:30:17,884 has a population approximately less than this apartment building. 549 00:30:17,884 --> 00:30:20,487 Sometimes it gets so crazy, I just pick up the phone, 550 00:30:20,487 --> 00:30:22,989 dial me a number and start talking. 551 00:30:22,989 --> 00:30:24,958 That's how I met your daddy, in fact. 552 00:30:24,958 --> 00:30:28,161 I found in my vast life experience, 553 00:30:28,161 --> 00:30:31,498 it's easier to talk to a stranger. 554 00:30:31,498 --> 00:30:33,800 And frequently more rewarding. 555 00:30:39,339 --> 00:30:42,976 Richard was supposed to deliver the baby in warm water 556 00:30:42,976 --> 00:30:46,579 with music playing that he composed himself. 557 00:30:47,981 --> 00:30:50,684 Now I have to have my baby on hay. 558 00:30:51,618 --> 00:30:53,353 Shh. 559 00:30:53,353 --> 00:30:55,588 We're gonna be okay, I mean, I'm here, 560 00:30:55,588 --> 00:30:58,358 you know, and all your little barnyard friends, 561 00:30:58,358 --> 00:31:01,227 I mean, really, we're-- we're gonna be fine. 562 00:31:02,462 --> 00:31:04,064 - Help! - Oh! 563 00:31:04,064 --> 00:31:06,299 Help! 564 00:31:06,299 --> 00:31:08,268 - God! - Okay! 565 00:31:08,268 --> 00:31:11,338 Okay, I lied, we're not gonna be fine. 566 00:31:11,338 --> 00:31:13,606 I'm not a doctor. I can't handle this. 567 00:31:13,606 --> 00:31:16,910 - I can't, I can't. - Try, try relax. 568 00:31:16,910 --> 00:31:18,712 Just breathe. 569 00:31:18,712 --> 00:31:21,081 Are we kidding? We can't have a baby in a barn? 570 00:31:21,081 --> 00:31:24,017 Help! 571 00:31:26,986 --> 00:31:29,189 - I'm sorry I slapped you. - Totally justified. 572 00:31:29,189 --> 00:31:30,690 Not to worry. 573 00:31:33,293 --> 00:31:36,930 Look, we just have to remember everything we learned in birthing class. 574 00:31:36,930 --> 00:31:38,932 First off, we get you in shape 575 00:31:38,932 --> 00:31:41,735 you skip rope till you think you're becoming a school girl. 576 00:31:41,735 --> 00:31:43,603 Then you start bouncing a rubber ball 577 00:31:43,603 --> 00:31:45,205 till you bounce like one yourself. 578 00:31:45,205 --> 00:31:48,608 There you go, it's gonna be a snap. 579 00:31:53,146 --> 00:31:54,714 Just leave me alone. 580 00:31:54,714 --> 00:31:56,783 Oh, come on, take it. 581 00:31:56,783 --> 00:31:59,219 Look, I'm sorry 582 00:31:59,219 --> 00:32:00,920 that I got so pissed. 583 00:32:01,821 --> 00:32:04,657 This is a really stressful time of year for me. 584 00:32:06,092 --> 00:32:07,527 You know, with all of the... 585 00:32:08,795 --> 00:32:10,096 presents to deliver. 586 00:32:15,201 --> 00:32:16,936 So now, for the rest of my life, 587 00:32:16,936 --> 00:32:18,705 whenever I think back in my first time, 588 00:32:18,705 --> 00:32:22,642 all I'm gonna see is that expression on Shannon's face, like, huh? 589 00:32:22,642 --> 00:32:25,745 Oh, and forget Christmas. Christmas is fucked forever. 590 00:32:28,448 --> 00:32:31,584 First time I ever left Shimmy Hill, I was 15 years old. 591 00:32:32,385 --> 00:32:34,187 My Aunt Jolene took me down to Dallas, 592 00:32:34,187 --> 00:32:36,022 see that fancy On Ice show? 593 00:32:36,022 --> 00:32:37,791 I used to look just like cartoon characters 594 00:32:37,791 --> 00:32:38,958 more than real people. 595 00:32:38,958 --> 00:32:41,795 Anyway, after the show, I snuck backstage 596 00:32:41,795 --> 00:32:44,464 and I met Jimmy Buckets. 597 00:32:44,464 --> 00:32:46,766 Starred as Woofy the dog in the show. 598 00:32:48,001 --> 00:32:51,404 Got drunk on orange Nehi and Southern Comfort. 599 00:32:51,404 --> 00:32:54,407 And I ended up having sex for the very first time 600 00:32:54,407 --> 00:32:57,577 pressed up against one of those Zamboni machines. 601 00:32:57,577 --> 00:33:01,414 The whole time, all I kept thinking was... 602 00:33:02,482 --> 00:33:05,251 I wish you'd take off that stupid head. 603 00:33:05,251 --> 00:33:07,153 What? 604 00:33:08,455 --> 00:33:10,357 Believe me. 605 00:33:10,357 --> 00:33:12,625 I know how important your first time is. 606 00:33:17,230 --> 00:33:19,366 Remember when Jeremy was born? 607 00:33:19,366 --> 00:33:21,034 God, I was such a nutcase. 608 00:33:22,002 --> 00:33:24,004 Oh no! 609 00:33:24,004 --> 00:33:27,107 No, no, no, you weren't so bad. 610 00:33:27,107 --> 00:33:28,842 Martin, you had to get stitches. 611 00:33:28,842 --> 00:33:31,544 Well, it wasn't your finest hour. 612 00:33:33,446 --> 00:33:35,415 You know, it's funny when I think back on that, 613 00:33:35,415 --> 00:33:38,852 I actually don't even remember the pain. 614 00:33:38,852 --> 00:33:41,254 It is funny, I do. 615 00:33:43,623 --> 00:33:45,258 - Thank you for being here. - Oh. 616 00:33:45,258 --> 00:33:47,193 No, I mean, you were right before. 617 00:33:47,193 --> 00:33:50,296 I am always dragging you back into my life and it's not fair. 618 00:33:50,296 --> 00:33:51,431 Shh. 619 00:33:55,268 --> 00:33:57,604 I am really glad you're here. 620 00:34:00,407 --> 00:34:01,441 Me too. 621 00:34:06,713 --> 00:34:08,114 - Oh, God! - God! 622 00:34:08,114 --> 00:34:10,116 - God! - Ow! 623 00:34:10,116 --> 00:34:13,319 Oh, God! 624 00:34:16,690 --> 00:34:18,458 Jeremy, honey, 625 00:34:18,458 --> 00:34:22,062 you've had one life-altering experience this evening. 626 00:34:22,062 --> 00:34:24,030 Maybe that's enough for one night. 627 00:34:24,030 --> 00:34:25,532 I appreciate your concern. 628 00:34:29,369 --> 00:34:31,737 You're not just doing this on a pity or something. 629 00:34:31,737 --> 00:34:34,573 I mean, that would be okay. I was just wondering. 630 00:34:35,641 --> 00:34:37,810 Mm, I think you're cute as hell. 631 00:34:38,778 --> 00:34:43,316 Besides, I just hate the thought of Christmas being ruined for you forever. 632 00:34:44,818 --> 00:34:47,153 Breathe. Breathe. 633 00:34:47,153 --> 00:34:49,222 Breathe. Breathe. 634 00:34:49,222 --> 00:34:50,623 I am breathing. 635 00:34:52,158 --> 00:34:53,592 Listen very closely. 636 00:34:53,592 --> 00:34:55,561 This is the sound of me breathing. 637 00:34:55,562 --> 00:34:57,664 - Uh-huh. - Oh, God! 638 00:35:09,309 --> 00:35:11,811 Now we're gonna take this real slow. 639 00:35:14,014 --> 00:35:16,449 I'll never have sex again. I'll never have sex again. 640 00:35:16,449 --> 00:35:18,551 No, no, fight the pain, Jude, conquer the pain. 641 00:35:18,551 --> 00:35:20,453 What does that mean, conquer the pain? 642 00:35:20,453 --> 00:35:22,455 You fucking conquer the pain! 643 00:35:34,401 --> 00:35:38,071 When you were having Jeremy, it wasn't about now they started giving you drugs? 644 00:35:40,540 --> 00:35:42,709 Oh. 645 00:35:42,709 --> 00:35:44,411 Jude, Jude. 646 00:35:48,882 --> 00:35:51,217 That was-- 647 00:35:51,217 --> 00:35:53,286 That was much better than last time. 648 00:35:53,286 --> 00:35:55,188 Oh, boy. 649 00:35:56,156 --> 00:35:59,993 Jeremy, honey, I'd tell you. 650 00:35:59,993 --> 00:36:03,263 There's a certain improvisational nature to your technique. 651 00:36:04,497 --> 00:36:07,867 You've got some natural talent that is most impressive. 652 00:36:11,504 --> 00:36:12,772 What you're thinking? 653 00:36:12,772 --> 00:36:14,674 Can we do it again? 654 00:36:18,478 --> 00:36:20,747 How could he have forgotten what this was like? 655 00:36:20,747 --> 00:36:22,649 I don't know. 656 00:36:31,291 --> 00:36:34,327 So, how come you're not at home 657 00:36:34,327 --> 00:36:37,030 setting out to stockings with the wife and kids? 658 00:36:37,030 --> 00:36:38,698 Divorced. 659 00:36:39,199 --> 00:36:41,768 Oh, I'm sorry. 660 00:36:41,768 --> 00:36:43,870 No, no, no, no, no, man, don't be. 661 00:36:43,870 --> 00:36:46,406 I'm just not the married guy type. 662 00:36:46,406 --> 00:36:48,875 You know, I do much better with the single thing. 663 00:36:50,310 --> 00:36:52,779 Getting drunk on Christmas Eve, 664 00:36:52,779 --> 00:36:54,948 eating cherries for dinner. 665 00:36:56,182 --> 00:36:57,250 What a life. 666 00:36:57,250 --> 00:36:59,052 Hey, hey. 667 00:36:59,052 --> 00:37:01,021 Why the hell aren't you at home with... 668 00:37:01,855 --> 00:37:02,989 Mrs. Claus? 669 00:37:04,457 --> 00:37:07,027 There is no Mrs. Claus. 670 00:37:07,027 --> 00:37:09,396 Some PR guy made her up. 671 00:37:11,564 --> 00:37:14,534 You know how people get when you work with kids. 672 00:37:14,534 --> 00:37:16,036 Mm, yep. 673 00:37:17,537 --> 00:37:20,440 It gets real lonely up at the pole. 674 00:37:21,875 --> 00:37:25,078 Of course, there are the elves, but we ain't close. 675 00:37:25,078 --> 00:37:27,614 Uh-huh. 676 00:37:30,550 --> 00:37:34,721 I'm getting too old, man, to be alone. 677 00:37:34,721 --> 00:37:37,757 There comes a time in a man's life 678 00:37:37,757 --> 00:37:42,595 when he just wants to be sure that somebody is gonna be there. 679 00:37:42,595 --> 00:37:46,132 Somebody to curl up under the covers. 680 00:37:46,132 --> 00:37:49,369 Somebody to laugh at your jokes. 681 00:37:49,369 --> 00:37:50,737 And... 682 00:37:52,472 --> 00:37:55,642 - not take any of your crap. - Yeah. 683 00:37:56,743 --> 00:37:58,812 - I guess. - Don't guess. 684 00:38:00,547 --> 00:38:02,716 You don't wanna end up like me. 685 00:38:02,716 --> 00:38:05,151 So what do I do? 686 00:38:05,151 --> 00:38:06,519 I don't know, man. 687 00:38:06,519 --> 00:38:09,522 I just make the toys. 688 00:38:20,433 --> 00:38:22,202 I fell off my stool. 689 00:38:24,571 --> 00:38:27,841 Yeah, I must be shit-faced. 690 00:38:27,841 --> 00:38:30,844 And you understand in becoming the bride of Christ, 691 00:38:30,844 --> 00:38:32,846 you would have to take a vow of celibacy. 692 00:38:32,846 --> 00:38:36,216 Not a big change in my lifestyle, if you know what I mean. 693 00:38:36,216 --> 00:38:39,886 And you'll be called on to relinquish all worldly possessions as well. 694 00:38:39,886 --> 00:38:42,555 Not a problem. Although there is this armchair 695 00:38:42,555 --> 00:38:44,457 that Mr. Snuffles likes to sleep in. 696 00:38:44,457 --> 00:38:46,493 And Mr. Snuffles would be? 697 00:38:46,493 --> 00:38:47,560 My cat. 698 00:38:48,461 --> 00:38:51,798 Don't worry, he only yells when Entertainment Tonight is on. 699 00:38:51,798 --> 00:38:54,334 Oh, we don't allow animals in the convent. 700 00:38:54,334 --> 00:38:57,671 Wait a minute. You don't? Or He doesn't. 701 00:38:57,671 --> 00:38:58,738 It's... 702 00:38:59,839 --> 00:39:01,241 our policy. 703 00:39:02,742 --> 00:39:04,678 It's crazy. I-- 704 00:39:05,779 --> 00:39:07,747 I can't give up my babies. 705 00:39:07,747 --> 00:39:09,482 I-- I can't. 706 00:39:10,750 --> 00:39:12,419 I just can't. 707 00:39:12,419 --> 00:39:13,820 Forget it. 708 00:39:14,354 --> 00:39:18,525 I don't wanna be part of any religion that doesn't allow pets. 709 00:39:18,525 --> 00:39:20,160 Forget it. 710 00:39:20,160 --> 00:39:21,428 I'm not gonna do it. 711 00:39:22,362 --> 00:39:25,098 Forget it, I'm not gonna cut the umbilical cord with my teeth. 712 00:39:25,098 --> 00:39:27,400 Martin, we were awfully close here. 713 00:39:27,400 --> 00:39:28,935 What do you propose we use? 714 00:39:32,372 --> 00:39:33,707 Well, I don't know. 715 00:39:33,707 --> 00:39:35,575 You can raise that baby still connected 716 00:39:35,575 --> 00:39:37,110 to your vagina for all I-- 717 00:39:37,110 --> 00:39:38,311 I'm not gonna do it. 718 00:39:38,311 --> 00:39:40,380 What the hell are you doing in my barn? 719 00:39:40,380 --> 00:39:42,682 Thank God. We need a doctor right away. 720 00:39:42,682 --> 00:39:45,151 You're Richard Stone's wife, aren't you? 721 00:39:45,151 --> 00:39:47,921 Oh, well, yes. Yes, I am. 722 00:39:47,921 --> 00:39:51,124 Everybody's looking for you. It's all over the news and here you are in my barn. 723 00:39:51,124 --> 00:39:53,193 Oh, this is so exciting. 724 00:39:53,193 --> 00:39:56,363 Now would you please get us a doctor before I hit you with that bucket? 725 00:39:58,965 --> 00:40:01,101 Well, that was uncalled for. 726 00:40:08,675 --> 00:40:09,943 Marybeth. 727 00:40:12,078 --> 00:40:13,613 Marybeth? 728 00:40:15,081 --> 00:40:16,750 One more time? 729 00:40:16,750 --> 00:40:18,985 Come on, come on. 730 00:40:18,985 --> 00:40:22,055 It'll probably be years before I get a chance to do it again. 731 00:40:24,891 --> 00:40:27,360 Oh, Martin, it's coming. 732 00:40:27,360 --> 00:40:28,795 Oh. 733 00:40:30,964 --> 00:40:32,532 No, no, no, no, no, no, wait. 734 00:40:34,334 --> 00:40:37,404 Wait? SheI'll be back with the doctor any second, you know. 735 00:40:37,404 --> 00:40:40,373 - Just hold it in. - Oh. 736 00:40:40,373 --> 00:40:42,976 I don't think I can do this. This is birth. 737 00:40:42,976 --> 00:40:45,078 I don't care. I don't care. 738 00:40:45,078 --> 00:40:46,880 Just stop that baby. 739 00:40:49,849 --> 00:40:53,353 Lord, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. 740 00:40:53,353 --> 00:40:57,624 I want to serve you and bask in your holy light, 741 00:40:57,624 --> 00:41:00,660 but not if it means giving up Mr. Snuffles. 742 00:41:00,660 --> 00:41:03,063 Please, speak to me. 743 00:41:03,063 --> 00:41:04,631 I don't know what to do. 744 00:41:04,631 --> 00:41:07,200 Just give me a sign. 745 00:41:25,752 --> 00:41:27,287 Well, it looks like a rabbit. 746 00:41:29,522 --> 00:41:31,024 That's it. 747 00:41:31,024 --> 00:41:32,926 I'm supposed to buy a rabbit. 748 00:41:36,396 --> 00:41:39,332 Come on, Judith, hang in there. Hang in there, you can do it. 749 00:41:39,332 --> 00:41:42,235 Martin, this is not the end I need you at. 750 00:41:43,370 --> 00:41:44,771 I'm the plumber, I'm just hanging around 751 00:41:44,771 --> 00:41:46,272 in case something goes wrong with her pipes. 752 00:41:46,272 --> 00:41:48,675 Right, right. 753 00:41:52,012 --> 00:41:54,781 Go. Go, I see something. 754 00:41:54,781 --> 00:41:56,149 I think I really see something. 755 00:41:56,149 --> 00:41:57,650 What, what do you see? 756 00:42:00,053 --> 00:42:02,756 - Oh, my God. - What, what is it? 757 00:42:02,756 --> 00:42:03,990 What is it? 758 00:42:05,158 --> 00:42:08,194 Oh, no, no, it's okay. It's just a foot. 759 00:42:08,194 --> 00:42:11,431 I thought it was a horrible little head, you know, but it's just a foot. 760 00:42:11,431 --> 00:42:14,401 A foot? It's not supposed to be a foot. 761 00:42:14,401 --> 00:42:15,835 It's breach. 762 00:42:15,835 --> 00:42:18,338 Oh, God, Martin, it's breach. 763 00:42:18,338 --> 00:42:19,806 Mayday, mayday. 764 00:42:19,806 --> 00:42:22,042 It's breach, it's breach. What do we do? 765 00:42:22,042 --> 00:42:24,310 - I don't know, I don't know. - What the shush? 766 00:42:24,310 --> 00:42:26,279 - Should I pull it? - No, don't pull it. 767 00:42:26,279 --> 00:42:28,481 - Should I push it back in? - No, just-- 768 00:42:28,481 --> 00:42:30,316 - Oh, God. - What do you want me to do? 769 00:42:30,316 --> 00:42:33,186 I don't know. Just do something! 770 00:42:34,454 --> 00:42:37,057 I'm an amateur magician, how about a magic show? 771 00:42:37,057 --> 00:42:38,491 Oh, my God! 772 00:42:46,166 --> 00:42:47,667 Oh, Richard! 773 00:42:57,043 --> 00:42:58,578 Hold this for me, will you, Martin? 774 00:42:58,578 --> 00:43:00,880 I knew you'd come. 775 00:43:09,189 --> 00:43:10,390 You're ready to push. 776 00:43:11,491 --> 00:43:13,360 Good. Now push. 777 00:43:17,997 --> 00:43:20,100 Oh. 778 00:43:25,105 --> 00:43:26,606 We have a son. 779 00:43:33,279 --> 00:43:34,647 It's a miracle. 780 00:43:43,757 --> 00:43:44,924 He's beautiful. 781 00:43:45,892 --> 00:43:46,926 He is. 782 00:43:48,561 --> 00:43:49,763 He looks just like you. 783 00:43:57,537 --> 00:44:00,573 This is a private conversation, but no extras in the scene, run along will you? 784 00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:17,357 Peace on Earth, good will to men. 785 00:44:25,865 --> 00:44:27,133 Uh, Marybeth. 786 00:44:28,568 --> 00:44:30,437 I'm never gonna forget this night. 787 00:44:30,437 --> 00:44:32,405 Well, I should hope not. 788 00:44:32,405 --> 00:44:35,141 I'll send you a card every Christmas. 789 00:44:35,141 --> 00:44:36,309 I'd like that. 790 00:44:40,113 --> 00:44:41,448 Marybeth? 791 00:44:41,448 --> 00:44:43,750 Is seven times really that much? 792 00:44:45,418 --> 00:44:48,655 Let's just say men have died from less. 793 00:44:49,989 --> 00:44:51,291 Take care, honey. 794 00:44:53,760 --> 00:44:55,028 - Bye. - Bye. 795 00:45:03,436 --> 00:45:05,305 - Merry Christmas. - Same to you. 796 00:45:18,118 --> 00:45:19,252 Jeremy? 797 00:45:19,252 --> 00:45:20,420 Dad. 798 00:45:22,022 --> 00:45:23,256 Come here. 799 00:45:25,525 --> 00:45:26,693 Merry Christmas. 800 00:45:27,927 --> 00:45:28,962 - Are you okay? - Yeah. 801 00:45:28,962 --> 00:45:30,797 I'm happy too. 802 00:45:30,797 --> 00:45:32,866 This was the most amazing night. 803 00:45:33,900 --> 00:45:36,269 - You have a brother. - Cool, all right. 804 00:45:38,405 --> 00:45:39,472 Hey. 805 00:45:41,775 --> 00:45:43,209 Come here. 806 00:45:47,180 --> 00:45:48,815 What are you doing up so early? 807 00:45:48,815 --> 00:45:50,083 Uh. 808 00:45:52,585 --> 00:45:55,021 Oh. Oh. 809 00:45:55,021 --> 00:45:58,658 Just couldn't wait to get under that Christmas tree and open those presents, huh? 810 00:45:58,658 --> 00:46:01,027 Yeah, yeah, that's it, the presents. 811 00:46:06,700 --> 00:46:08,001 Oh. 812 00:46:08,001 --> 00:46:09,903 All right, so he's cute. 813 00:46:09,903 --> 00:46:11,805 He's not cute, he's perfect. 814 00:46:11,805 --> 00:46:14,541 He looks just like Richard, only younger. 815 00:46:14,541 --> 00:46:16,309 I love babies. 816 00:46:16,309 --> 00:46:17,677 Wow, look at this. 817 00:46:17,677 --> 00:46:19,446 This kid's making out like a bandit. 818 00:46:19,446 --> 00:46:21,114 Oh, well, you know the Wisemans. 819 00:46:21,114 --> 00:46:22,882 I mean, they never know when to stop. 820 00:46:24,250 --> 00:46:25,552 Just a coincidence. 821 00:46:25,552 --> 00:46:27,087 Judith, he's gorgeous. 822 00:46:27,087 --> 00:46:29,589 Could you ever see yourself having one? 823 00:46:29,589 --> 00:46:30,724 Maybe. 824 00:46:32,892 --> 00:46:35,061 What? What? It could happen. 825 00:46:35,061 --> 00:46:36,363 You never know. 826 00:46:37,397 --> 00:46:39,599 So, how were all your Christmases? 827 00:46:39,599 --> 00:46:41,668 Well? 828 00:46:41,668 --> 00:46:43,236 Yeah. 829 00:46:43,236 --> 00:46:44,904 Uh, this is... 830 00:46:44,904 --> 00:46:46,139 Uh, merry. 831 00:46:46,139 --> 00:46:48,875 Jeremy, you look taller somehow. 832 00:46:49,943 --> 00:46:51,244 I got him new sneakers. 833 00:46:52,412 --> 00:46:54,214 Oh, are you precious? 834 00:46:56,316 --> 00:46:58,318 Excuse me, but shouldn't we take a moment 835 00:46:58,318 --> 00:47:01,087 to remember another person born today? 836 00:47:03,123 --> 00:47:04,624 Barbara Mandrell. 837 00:47:05,925 --> 00:47:08,428 Maybe we should let the new mother get some sleep. 838 00:47:10,096 --> 00:47:11,865 Martin, 839 00:47:11,865 --> 00:47:13,400 I just wanted to thank you for... 840 00:47:13,400 --> 00:47:16,069 ...well, for everything. 841 00:47:16,069 --> 00:47:18,271 I couldn't have gotten through it without you. 842 00:47:18,271 --> 00:47:21,041 No, no, no, really, it was Richard. 843 00:47:21,041 --> 00:47:23,176 No, no, you were terrific. 844 00:47:23,176 --> 00:47:26,513 And, well, 845 00:47:26,513 --> 00:47:28,915 we would really like you to do us the honor 846 00:47:28,915 --> 00:47:30,884 of being the baby's godfather. 847 00:47:30,884 --> 00:47:33,386 - Really? - Yeah. 848 00:47:33,386 --> 00:47:35,455 You can count on me. 849 00:47:35,455 --> 00:47:38,925 I'd be honored. I mean, to do the honor. 850 00:47:50,503 --> 00:47:52,339 Excuse me for interrupting, 851 00:47:52,339 --> 00:47:55,675 but have you ever noticed that the water stain in your bathtub 852 00:47:55,675 --> 00:47:57,977 looks an awful lot like Moses?